Loneliness and Living Abroad

Have you ever asked yourself what kind of person the people closest to you think you are because you wonder who you are yourself? I didn’t even know that I had lost connection with myself until I began spending a lot of time alone. Moving abroad to Japan was a chance to force myself to go through something challenging on my own, which is helping me learn to understand myself and what I need.  

Two years ago, the thought of living alone was terrifying. I didn’t even like imagining it and would think about ways I could avoid it in the future. In March, when I was deciding whether to move to Japan or not, the idea of being alone in a foreign country scared me even more. I remember calling my parents at that time and telling them that I didn’t think I could do it. “I’ve dreamed of this for so long, but I never knew it would be this scary. When I dreamt of it, I never thought about the flight or living alone or natural disasters,” I said to them. “Who would be there for me if something happened? Who would take care of me if I got sick or injured?” I didn’t even think for a second that I could be that person for myself. 

During my four years of University, I always had roommates and was constantly with my friends or family. I looked forward to coming home at the end of the day to talk to my roommate. Even when I was alone in my room, I liked knowing she was just in the other room if I needed her. When I was anxious, it comforted me to know I wasn’t alone. I am an extrovert and always loved being around people. I didn’t even realize how much I relied on others for comfort until I moved to Japan and was completely on my own. 

In May the reality of leaving became even more real when I had to say goodbye to my family and went through a breakup because I was moving to a new city in Canada for the summer before going abroad.  I needed to let go of the people I relied on because soon they would not be there. As the day of my flight came closer and closer, I became less focused on being alone in Japan and more nervous about the flight. In the last few years, I have developed a very unfortunate fear of flying. I knew that this was an irrational fear that I had to overcome, but the idea of getting on the plane made me feel queasy. Three weeks before my departure, I still had a feeling that I might not go. I doubted my ability to actually get on the plane and leave everything that I was so comfortable with. The next thing I knew, I was sitting on the plane, thinking “I guess there’s no turning back now.” 

The first three months in Japan have been difficult. Learning to be by myself and enjoy my own company has been a rollercoaster. I still feel a yearning to be with the people I left at home. I’ve realized that I don’t know how to be with myself after always being surrounded by others. When I first got here, I was alone a lot. I didn’t know what to do, I would just stay at home and call my friends and family. Eventually, I started to get sick of that and realized I can enjoy my own company. I started by going to the beach. I spent the day relaxing, thinking, meditating and reading. I made stops on the way home and ended up in a beautiful field of flowers. I felt so happy that day and knew that this was exactly what I came here for. Not just to explore Japan, but to explore who I am. I want to learn to be completely happy on my own. 

Just as some days remind me why I am here and I feel progress, there are many more days when I still feel lonely. There are at least a few days a week when I just want to quit and go home. I come home feeling tired each day. My mind is exhausted not only from work but from constantly processing a new language, culture and way of life. I feel out of place here and the feeling of not belonging leaves a pit in my stomach. Thoughts of natural disasters, foreign bugs in my apartment and making another mistake causes me to constantly feel on edge. At the end of the day, I come home to a quiet apartment and my feelings sit with me. As much as I want to be able to handle these difficulties on my own, it hasn’t been easy. I want someone to tell me I need to come home because I feel too trapped here to tell it to myself but I also don’t want to risk disappointing myself if I went home. I have grown a lot already and the thought of being a stronger person reminds me that I need to hold on a little longer. Day by day, week by week. 

This morning, as I drove to the beach again, I realized that I don’t show myself enough gratitude. I’ve never thanked myself. If someone treated me to a nice dinner, I would thank them and appreciate their kindness. When I treat myself, I feel guilty for spending the money. I have done so much these past few months. I have worked hard to move abroad and support myself. I have learned to comfort myself when I’m sad, protect myself when I’m afraid, and enjoy my time alone. I’ve grown so much, yet I only look at where I could be, instead of feeling gratitude for how far I‘ve come. During those tough days, I try to show myself gratitude and focus on the good. Right now, I am sitting at the beach and looking out at the sunset. I came here because it had been a hard week and I needed this day to reconnect with nature and myself. Writing has helped me so much with being present and reflecting on how I’ve changed. Being vulnerable and sharing my writing on this blog is helping me to become my authentic self and document my truth. Moving abroad is so much more than exploring the external world, it’s also about understanding and learning about my internal world.

“Loneliness adds beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes night air smell better.”

-Henry Rollins