I’ve always been an “I’m the only one that knows what’s best for me” kind of person. In other words, I’ve always been a little “stubborn.” In many ways, I like that about myself. It has led me to where I am now and has helped me accomplish many goals. Recently though, I have been learning a lot about how this mindset has also put me on a path toward being close-minded and judgmental. Not judgmental of others necessarily, but judgmental of alternate versions of who I could be. Versions that don’t meet the goals I currently hold or the future I have set out for. I have been putting expectations on myself without looking inwardly to find out if that will truly make me happy. I am making actions based on what my past self wanted without considering the person I am today. I am not who I was four years ago, I am not even the person I was a year ago. What made me happy then may not make me happy now. I am so afraid of disappointing myself that I put myself in situations that don’t make necessarily fulfill me or bring me happiness.
Moving abroad has helped me learn this lesson. Before I moved here, I had a picture of what my future would look like. A picture that hadn’t changed since before I started University. I was going to live abroad for as many years and in as many countries as I could. The idea of staying “at home” or “settling down” was not on my radar at all. All I wanted to do was learn, grow and experience other cultures and places. All this sounds great, it still does. But as I begin this journey, this dream I’ve had for so long, the reality isn’t as I imagined. Moving to a new country alone is mentally challenging, expensive, and emotionally exhausting. It’s been six months of living abroad and it still hasn’t gotten much easier for me. Yes, I will grow a lot this year and hopefully will come home with a better understanding of myself, the world and life. Yet, I will not be ready to pack up and move to a new country again next year, as I planned. I forgot how I felt after living abroad the last time, I was ready to settle in at home for a while after. I am teaching myself that it is okay to rest and take time to recharge. I do not need to be constantly learning, growing and changing. It is just as important to take the time to reflect on all the ways you’ve changed and grown.
I always thought I thrived on constant movement and a busy schedule, but I now realize that I don’t prosper on busyness but find silence and rest uncomfortable. Recently, I have been trying to allow myself to take time to be bored. I want to overcome the feeling of restlessness and teach myself to enjoy taking breaks. I have been practicing listening to my present self more. When I feel a spark of motivation, I put all my energy into it and when I feel burnt out, I take a break. Hopefully, by practicing this on a day-to-day basis, I can learn to plan my life with a careful balance of work, travel and rest. Instead of throwing myself into big projects and trips all the time, I can plan to take time to settle into a familiar routine and comfortably rest at home. Moving abroad has shown me that it can be amazing, but it also involves exhaustion and anxiety when you’re constantly experiencing new things. Last year, I pushed myself to finish university early by cramming eight courses into one semester. As soon as I graduated, I was preparing to move across the world alone for a full-time high-school teaching job. I never allowed myself to recharge and reflect on all that I had already accomplished. I learned I would not be moving backwards if I take a moment to settle into a routine and a home and take time to recharge. Doing this will allow me to have the energy to enjoy bigger projects and adventures more when I decide to take them on. I have learned that I need to prioritize who I am in the moment and how I feel, just as much as I prioritize who I want to be. I don’t always have to be pushing myself on to something “bigger and better.” The constant growth mindset is not always the best mindset.
“To allow ourselves to be truly in touch with where we already are, no matter where that is, we have got to pause in our experience long enough to let the present moment sink in; long enough to actually feel the present moment, to see it in its fullness, to hold it in awareness and thereby come to know and understand it better.”
Jon Kabat-Zinn, Wherever You Go There You Are.
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